"the only medication you can get to as a child...is food."

i'm watching a DVR'ed episode of oprah this afternoon, and ruby (reality tv star famous for losing over half her body weight so far) is talking about how a person (specifically her) gets to be so overweight. she doesn't remember much of her childhood but is acknowledging that some type of pain has kept her in prison.

i remember my childhood quite well, and i have named and shed light on my prison, and for me, the process of taking charge of my life is a continual struggle between letting go of old habits and buried pain and making choices that are kind to my body and to my soul.

i started this food plan back in the early part of the summer and have been at a stalemate with my body for the last few months (mostly due to illness, stress, and lack of sleep). i cannot say how frustrated and disappointed i am about that, but (and here's the silver lining) there is something inside of me that is relentlessly and doggedly refusing to give up on myself this time. so no matter how long this takes, i will keep on this road and keep making choices that put myself - and my health - first...choices that put me on a different road than that little girl who medicated with food rather than face her pain. these days, i'd rather cry it out than overeat. i'd rather sweat at the gym than feel the lethargy and disappointment of doing nothing but eating and existing. i think that's progress.